‘Kongsiraya’- a newfound Malaysian term originated by the former Minister of Information , the Datuk Paduka Seri Kadir Sheikh Fadzir.
He conjured up the term and the joint celebration of religious festivities that coinside with one another or take place within a few days.
If you look at it from the social point of view, sure..it looks all chummy and not a problem at all.
In fact, social integration should be encouraged to foster a better understanding between us Malaysians to ensure closer ties between the various ethnicities and promote understanding of each other’s faiths.
What the Ulamaks’ don’t approve is the hidden implications of ‘KongsiRaya’.
You can celebrate each others festivities in the context of the spirit of ‘Muhibbah’ that we are all familiar with and have practiced all these while.
The problem starts when the fellas organizing these ‘Kongsiraya’s’ start mixing in the elements of religious worship of one faith into the activities of the celebrations.
A case in particular is the previous ‘Deeparaya’ celebrations where the Deputy Prime Minister Dato Seri Mohd Najib Tun Razak and the Minister of Culture Datuk Seri Rais Yatim went along with the organizer’s arrangements to ‘light up’ the ‘Kuttuvilakku’ @ the oil lamps usually found in the Hindu temples.
Those Muslim ministers thought it was okay to go along in the spirit of ‘Malaysia Boleh’ etcetera and that there was no harm at all in lighting up of the oil lamps for it is an act of lightening up from the darkness into the brightness, etcetera.
The implication of Shirik @ act of kuffur for a Muslim is when he or she partakes in an act of another faith as in that case the act of lighting up of an oil lamp before offering prayers to the Hindu deities.
It may seem as trivial to those of you who are not Muslims or even if you are a Muslim, you do not know about the consequences of following a religious act of another.
It all boils down to the matter of Aqeedah and how you perceive it according to the level of ‘Ilm about Islam that you have in you and as to whether you take your faith seriously or just go your way as you please.
The question here is based on the individual’s sense of adhering to his or her faith’s requirements and observance of the do’s and don’ts that one has to take into mind before doing anything.
There will be those who take it all as nothing worth wasting time and arguing about it but then again it all depends on the individual concerned and as to whether he or she is willing to stake their future in the Hereafter on it.
Those who don’t take their faith seriously or those who don’t believe in Allah have no say in this matter that the Muslim Ulamaks are opposed to and as such should just read about it and do not comment. It beats the purpose.
Those who are Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Sikhs, and other faiths can discuss about this further and ask if you want to as to why Islam forbids the mix and match of religious practices in the social norms.
You need to differentiate an act of social mixing with an act that has religious consequences. They are not the same. It also depends on the individual’s own values and intentions.
But then again, let’s say…a Christian wants to visit a home of a Muslim celebrating Eid and pay his or her respects. There’s no harm in it . He or she can sit at the table and eat and drink with the Muslims. There’s no harm for his or her sense of faith as a Christian for Muslims do not eat foods and drinks that are forbidden to Christians.
On the other hand, Muslims can’t do that when eating at the Christians homes for the foods prepared can contain haram elements in it such as pork, wine, alcohol, etc. Thus the hosts need to ensure that such elements are not included in the dishes prepared and being served to their Muslim guests.
Same conditions need to be observed when entertaining our other guests from the other faiths and beliefs. We need to ensure that we do not serve whatever the other faiths do not allow for consumption.
A good host needs to be very observant and particular on that based on the individual’s own sense of being just and fair to their guests. It is a time observed act of being a gracious host.
Back to the topic of why the Ulamaks don’t approve the ‘coining’ of such terms is all a matter of sticking to the core principles in not ‘Associating Allah with others’ in the truest sense .
When a Muslim attends a function where there exists an atmosphere of adherence to another ‘deity’ or ‘figure of reverence’ such as a religious icon, symbol of worship, etcetera, then that Muslim must not follow in the activities of paying homage to that figure of worship or remain there as a sign of respect to that ‘deity’ or object that is being worshipped apart from Allah, True God Almighty!
If the Muslim fails to do that, to remove him or herself from the situation, then he or she is deemed to have committed Shirik to Allah.
To those of you who are not a true Muslim or a Non Muslim, it might not be clear to you as to what the rules and regulations are regarding this Major Sin of Associating something else to Almighty Allah in terms of paying obesiance to other than the Creator.
I can only suggest that you study about Islam and what it entails its adherents to observe and what not to .
At the end of the day, no matter how smart one is or thinks he or she is and knows everything there is to the matter of faith and to which God , he or she submits to, the minute one passes away from the World of the Living to the Yaum al Barzakh, the Realm of the Dead, then and only then will he or she realise whether they were right or wrong in their stand about this here on Earth!
Islam is the faith that we Muslims hold true to our hearts and those of us who try our level best to observe its do’s and don’ts are not free from sin or mistakes but at each prayer time , when we bow and prostrate before Allah Azza Wa Jalla, there’s nothing more that we seek than His Forgiveness of our sins, that we commit knowingly or unknowingly and expect His Mercy that He, Allah, God Most Compassionate,Most Merciful has promised us Mankind that He will bestow upon us seeking His Blessings till the second of the Final Day on Earth, the Yaum al Qiyamah-Doomsday when the Earth will come to an end.
Kongsiraya if taken as a social event without religious implications can be a Muhibbah thingy for some but if it involves any iota of observance and worship to another ‘deity’ or figure of reverance than Almighty Allah opens up the door to committing Shirik to Allah.
This is what the Ulamaks are objecting to. They are responsible to the Muslim ummah.
The Ministers are only trying to project that they are doing a good, terrific job as those who champion this and that but at the end of the day, these fellows will be answerable to Allah if they bring about mass acts of Shirik to Allah by their ignorance of the fundamental aspects of Aqeedah!
Through their ignorance of what can and cannot be done in Islam, they only put themselves and those whom they lead into the jeopardy of running foul of Allah’s Laws that are revealed so clearly in the Al-Qur’an Al Kareem, the Final Testament and Guidance for Mankind.
Al-Qur’an Surah Al-An’aam 6:151
Say: “Come, I will rehearse what Allah hath (really) prohibited you from”: Join not anything as equal with Him; be good to your parents; kill not your children on a plea of want;- We provide sustenance for you and for them;- come not nigh to shameful deeds. Whether open or secret; take not life, which Allah hath made sacred, except by way of justice and law: thus doth He command you, that ye may learn wisdom.
Meaning well is one thing but putting oneself in jeopardy of committing Shirik to Allah is the consequences of each Muslim’s choice of actions.
In this case, we have our Ministers of Information and Culture championing all these ‘Kongsi’ thingys.
They are willing to shoulder the burden of it all , so as the saying goes’ Thou shall reap what thou sows!’.
Please do not misunderstand that I do not like social mixing etcetera as I am only one who speaks for myself as a Muslim.
I am just sharing the realities of mixing social events with religious implications that can put one in danger of committing Shirik to Allah.
Those who are responsible in organising such events just need to keep out the religious observations out of it and everything can be fine!
Those who unknowingly have committed Shirik to Allah can learn from this and repent to Him in the truest sense!
InsyaAllah, He will forgive them if they repent as per ‘Taubat Nasuha’ – repentance with a firm pledge to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala failing which they stand guilty as charged before the Almighty on the Day of Judgement!
Those who want to comment on this better get your facts straight and speak if you know fully the tenets of Islamic Aqeedah failing which, just observe on this subject that is more focused on the Muslims point of view as per the Ulamaks judgement and not turn it into something else.
Malaysians can just celebrate such joyous occasions with friends and families without using that offensive term that implies religious mixing. That’s about it and the term should no longer be bandied about.
God knows us best and so far we have had no problem in celebrating Hari Raya, Gong Xi Fa Cai, Deepavali, Christmas, Vesak Day, Vaisakhi, Hari Gawai, Ka’amatan etcetera!
The objection to the terms ‘Kongsiraya, Deeparaya’ etcetera only started recently because of the Minister’s lack of foresight on it’s religious implications.
After all, most Malaysian Ministers just do as they please without bothering to check with other authorities especially when it concerns matters that involve religious significances.
Maybe, in the future , those who have bright ideas which concerns social agendas should check with the religious authorities to avoid future brouhaha’s?
Non Muslims and those advocating Islamic Liberalism , please study in depth about the matter of Shirik according to Islam before commenting for we are held responsible by Allah for what we say, think and do.
Do not put yourself in any unnecessary spotlights due to ignorance. You don’t argue with the Qur’an. It speaks clearly not to associate anything else with Allah. Period.
Thank you and think before you type. 🙂
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bro what if the said Ministers did those “religious acts” did so without any religious convictions?
Assalamualaikum Brother Sharizal.
Well, as fellow Muslims, we can only hope that they were totally ignorant and that they will not be doing so again after learning about their ‘mistakes’.
I can’t speak for Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala as I am just another mere mortal created by Him.
Shirik is a Major Sin which Allah SWT has condemned that He will not Forgive unless those who did so repent from repeating it in the truest sense of the word.
In Islam , we know this to be ‘Taubat Nasuha’ ; a pledge before Allah SWT that they will never ever repeat it consciously!
In one of the Prophet SAW’s hadith, Rasulullah SAW has said that we are not to follow the ways of the Kaffir in any ways that can bring us harm to our sense of Aqeedah.
Dressing like the Kaffirs such as wearing neckties, suits, etcetera doesn’t come into the context of this hadith for covering up oneself is an act of protecting one’s modesty @ aurat.
Following the Kaffir’s in such a clearly religious act can fall into that context and the ministers concerned ought to repent from their slip up and pledge ‘Taubat Nasuha’ to Allah SWT.
We as fellow humanbeings and as fellow Muslims can only make do’a for them to receive the ‘Taufeek and Hidayah’ from Allah SWT and if possible reach out to them and advise them with wisdom.
That is if the ministers concerned are so willing to listen to us, the common citizens.
Wallahu ‘alam bissawab’.
Hope they read this post and understand the true meanings of what I have shared .
Time for Solat Juma’at. Will be following up later.
Wassalamualaikum warahmatullahi ta’ala wabarakatuh.
Hahah!!! You are a very funy guy. I wanted to write a lengthy informative piece refuting every single point of yours, but what’s the point. I know you will not post it. So, enjoy your stay in the La-La Land where Muslims are the Masters of us, the lowly subjects 🙂
You got that quite wrong Shalu!
Muslims are not masters of anybody but themselves.
They are taking Islam as a joke!
Islam means nothing to the majority of the Muslims worldwide!
They think Islam is what you call yourself when you fill out the form for anything.
Only a handful of Muslims really practice the faith of Islam in the truest of forms.
I have been wanting to raise up this problem all this while but didn’t want to create a ruckus with my assertations.
Muslims today just py lip service to Islam and the majority of Muslims here in Malaysia do not give a hoot to the purity and sanctity of faith!
They recite prayers and offer thanks to Allah SWT before officiating ceremonies that enjoin fitnah!
They read do’as before starting festivities that they include activities that promote hedomism and the sort!
The Muslims in Malaysia do not care if their faith is being screwed left and right by those who have an agenda against it!
How many Muslims do you think really care about Islam here?
Not that much, I tell you.
The masses of PAS demonstrators are only following the herd mentality!
Take any one of them aside and start asking him or her about the tenets of the faith and what they need to do as a Muslim.
Little chance of the individual coming up with morsels of information that will satisfy any questioning mind such as yours or mine!
Do not imply for a fleeting second that we Muslims are masters of anything!
The Ummah is at a stage where the Holy Prophet Muhammad Sallalahu Alaihi Wassallam has foretold about the state of our Iman and our Amals!
The Prophet SAW foretold that we Muslims would be as many as the froths of the ocean waves in these times – The Akhirul Zaman.
But just as the froth, our strength would be almost zilch!
Today, Muslims are being slaughtered at will by every enemy of the Ummah,East,West,North and South of the planet!
Which Muslim country or nation has taken up arms to defend these victims?
None! If they do go to the scene of the slaughter, they would go and stand there like bloody fools as it happened in Bosnia Herzegovina!
A Malaysian Army regular who happened to be an Indian Hindu shared with me his despair at being unable to do anything to help the Bosnian Muslims for the Malaysian Army had strict orders not to engage the Serbs in direct combat or even defensive actions!
The Malaysian Army sergeant told me that their APC @ Armored Personnel Carrier was even held at gunpoint by the Serbs and their Army rations confiscated by the Serbs!!!
You say that the Muslims are your masters?
Dream on…
Only Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is our Master and Creator!
We are just dusts in human form.
Period. Living on borrowed time.
You, me , everyone here on Earth are but heading towards our Final Destination by each passing second.
What we do in between determines our station in the Hereafter.
That’s what differentiates us.
We are all answerable to our own deeds.
Masters of our own selfs within a framework of society that rules according to its pleasure.
Not according to the Laws of the Qur’an!
Some go overboard in their wanting to seem more ‘Islamic’ than others but end up screwing themselves with tyranny like our fellows blowing themselves to bits and slaughtering other human beings in the atrocity of claiming it to be an act of ‘Jihad’!!!
Damn those idiots!
Never in Islam has something so abominable being perpetrated and ascribed to the purest of Faith that the world has ever known like those dimwits in ballaclavas slaughtering innocent people caught in between their stupid wars.
Islam is being terrorised by the apathy of Muslims everywhere and we don’t have a solid true blue sincere leader todate to be our Khalifah!
That’s why I say we are not masters; not even to ourselves but slaves to our own bloody egos!
That’s why we need to repent and ask for Forgiveness and Mercy from the Almighty every single moment of the day !
He is the Master, not us. 🙂
i do not understand a bit of what you are trying to convey here saar. what does all this scriblings about Muslims not living up to your par has to do with kongsi-raya?
Let me use this opputunity to clarify one point.
Lighting urvilak or or what you call kuthvilakk is not a religous ritual. it is more like cultural ritual
to give you an example, playing gamelan to mark the start of a royal celebration in Johor, or the playing of kompang in weddings, are these religous rituals of Muslims? nahin na? Same with urvilakk.
it is a cultural ritual.
I have published a posting specially dedicated to you Shalu.
Read and discover the truth as to the matter of the ‘Kuttuvilakku’ being an important religious object in the Hindu worship practices.
Just call a spade a spade and not try to rephrase anything.
It is best to accept things as they are.
No amount of blogging is gonna change the reality we have before us . Accha? 😀
What do you think of websites like http://www.prophetofdoom.net or whatever? Why is it that Jesus will come on the last day to judge mankind but not Prophet Mohammad pbuh?
dr.dynamic,
Although your question is out of topic from the subject we are dealing with here, I will answer it.
Websites like that are only the handiwork of those who refuse to accept the truth about God’s prophets.
There are hundreds of thousands of websites like that created by those who have an agenda against Islam.
I have just one advice to you and others who want to learn about the truth regarding Islam, God’s Way of Life for all Mankind ; to choose carefully the right source of information and learn from proper masters of Islamic Knowledge.
I myself love learning about the other faiths and beliefs as part of my Comparative Religious Study to enrich myself with the actual teachings of those faiths apart from the Islamic Knowledge.
For a world population of more than 6 billion, 1/6 of it professes to be Muslims.
Out of that 1 billion over Muslims, most have divided themselves into being this and that fulfilling the prophecy of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) that his Ummah (followers) will be divided into 73 sects or groups.
Each claiming to be on the right path (true teachings of Islam that he taught mankind by way of revelations to him from the Almighty Allah)whereas the Holy Prophet said 72 of those groups will end up in hellfire except for the one who uphold his Sunnah’s and stay in the Jama’ah!
So, choose what you feed into your mind.
As for those hate websites, they will all die a natural death save for those who choose to support such destructive websites and want to be it’s fodder.
Birds of a feather do flock together my friend; so will those who think alike either in hatred or with love towards each other.
Select wisely what you want to learn and to believe in what makes sense to you.
Jesus Christ the Messiah as Christians call him is but Hadhrat Eesa Alaihis Salam bin Siti Mariam, a mighty and noble Prophet of God Almighty whom we Muslims hold in the utmost respect and none of us will have a proper sense of Iman and Aqeedah if we follow the misguided belief that the Christians have been led to believe that Prophet Jesus @ Eesa (peace be upon him) is the Son of God (Na ‘uzu billahi min zalik)!
His Prophethood and mission to bring the Children of Israel to the true path of submission to Almighty Allah has not been completed unlike the Mission of the Final Messenger of Allah, Muhammad Sallalahu Alaihi Wassallam which has been carried out to the letter.
We believe what the Final Messenger of Allah, the Prophet Muhammad has said to us that Prophet Jesus who did not die on the cross and was raised up to the Heavens will be returned to Earth very soon to abolish the false worship of him as the Son of Allah and will complete his mission to mankind as commanded by Almighty Allah.
Jesus @ Eesa will not judge mankind but Almighty Allah Himself.
You can email me at mahaguru58@yahoo.com to learn more.
That’s your right to know ; my obligation to teach as a Muslim what I myself have come to learn to be the truth and am still learning every single second and moment in my remaining time on Earth.
Peace be upon you for enquiring.
May Allah open up your heart and mind to realise the truth that you deserve to know and choose to live as you feel is right and true.
Ameen ya Rabbal Alameen.
Hey bud. I like your writing. Conservative but not rabid.
I belong to the growing number of non practicing muslim malays. We were born into muslim malay families but have become anything ranging from Friday muslims to the “spiritual” muslims to quiet apostates (for there is no religious freedom allowed in this country).
I look at this whole event with amazement and amusement as it is a clear example of the divisive nature of religion.
It is issues like these that have made me reject all forms of abrahamic faiths.
You see brother, there are two sides to anything.
Plus and negative. In this life, we are given a choice.
You can choose to follow the crowd and simply be one in a billion or you can go through a self-discovering journey like I did.
Some are doomed to be mindless followers and they do not question anything.
Questioning anything however requires a sense of knowledge and self experience.
If you tell a blind man, that he is about to fall into a pit, a natural sense of fear builds up in him and his other senses will be on full alert.
Naturally, the man should stop and tap about with his blind man’s cane all around him just to make sure.
That’s our inbuilt God given senses.
Being blind doesn’t mean he has to be dumb or unable to comprehend in all other areas.
History records Abdullah ibni Maktum , a blind man stumbling into a meeting that the Greatest Messenger of Allah SWT was having with chieftains of the polytheist Qureisy.
Abdullah ibni Maktum’s trespassing displeased the Prophet SAW and he frowned.
Although the blind man couldn’t see the effects of his intrusion, Allah SWT didn’t take lightly to the Prophet’s displeasure and reprimanded His Most Beloved Messenger and His Mercy to all Mankind by revealing the Surah Abasa.
http://www.muslimaccess.com/quraan/arabic/080.asp
When even a blind man like Abdullah ibni Maktum is held in reverence by Rabbul Jaleel for wanting to seek Knowledge of Islam, and due to him,the blind man, Rasullullah SAW , the Khatamun Nabiyy is reprimanded eternally in the Al-Qur’anul Kareem, imagine the Justice of Allah SWT!
Allah SWT doesn’t differentiate between His Creation.
He gives us the choice to choose our destination.
He doesn’t just impose Himself on us.
He, Ar Rahman Ar Rahim gives us our Faculty of Reasoning to think for ourselves as to who we are, who we need to be, who we choose to be, where we want to head to, and gives us the complete freedom to decide whom we want to submit to;but He, Allah the Almighty doesn’t just create us and let’s us to be on our own.
He sends to us, mankind, through the ages, revelations and guidance through His 124,000 Prophets and Messengers as our guides.
From our Father, the Prophet Adam Alaihissalam down to the Final Messenger,Muhammad ibni Abdullah, Sallalahu Alaihi Wassallam, we have been given the Choice.
Allah SWT gives each and everyone of Mankind, the Faculty of Thought and Reasoning.
He gives us our Senses to See, Hear, Feel,Smell, Taste.
What do we do with it?
There are those who Deny the Existence of Allah.
They figure that they just came into being.
Our Intelligence tells us that nothing comes into being just like that! Not an atom!
To have something, you need to do something to gain it.
Water is the source of every living thing.
Allah SWT explains about the origin of all matter clearly in the Al Qur’an al Kareem.
To expound on the reality of life, is going to take many pages for me to fully share with you the morsel of knowledge that I have come to acquire.
Realisation of myself and who made me has taken quite a large number of my earthly years of existence.
I still have a zillion other things to learn, know and realise.
I won’t stop seeking ‘Ilm and will do so till the Angel of Death, Hadhrat Izrael Alaihissallam comes to collect my ‘ruuh’.
I know your circumstantial reasons for not realising your rights to be a Muslim in the true sense for events and situations dictate to each and everyone of us on how we choose to live.
Forfeiting our birthrights to know our true selfs is a sad thing to do.
You must be still young and have yet to discover your true calling in life.
You still have the opportunity to embark on your journey to learn about your true destiny and to come to understand the realities of Islam, Allah SWT’s Guide for us mankind on how to live our lives here on Earth and chart our final destinations in the Hereafter.
You may contact me by email to learn further about what I have come to learn in my 47 years and which I consider as just a drop in the wide open spaces of the Oceans of His Mercy.
Insyaallah.Maybe we can share notes on all that has happened in both our lives and learn from each other. God willing.
My email is mahaguru58@yahoo.com
May Peace be upon us! Ameen.
Dear MG58,
Just a question for you , didn’t you light up the pelita during Hari Raya Aidilfitri ?
So isn’t it fair to say that light up an oil lamp is a traditional and cultural thingy rather than a religious ritual when the Minister light up a lamp or two?
Far from being young. You’re not much older than me. I am 40 am raising a family (who are professed muslims).
As a child and teenager I was a rote muslim, had no choice in the matter.
In university, the concept of belief and faith intrigued me. I.e., being able to suspend logic and analysis and embrace a particular concept.
I explored the other abrahamic religions (from an academic prespective) and some of more fanciful “faiths”, wicca, neo paganism, modern La Veyan Satanism (which was essentially side show anti christian humanistic hedonism – fun but something you grow out of).
I became fascinated by the concept of space, time, matter and conciousness. Some believe the quran and other religious texts offer explainations. Unfortunately descriptions like:
“Allah SWT gives each and everyone of Mankind, the Faculty of Thought and Reasoning.
He gives us our Senses to See, Hear, Feel,Smell, Taste.”
don’t do it for me. I over the past 0 years, I pored works of Richard Feynman and Roger Penrose, who offered elegant and excellent descriptions of the workings universe (of course these are descriptions, you can substitute the word “nature” for “allah” for muslims to find the texts more palatable) but had defined the current limitations and necessary requirements for describing and quantifying conciousness, Emperor’s New Mind and Shadows of the Mind: A Search for the Missing Science of Consciousness (these are not along the lines of Stephen Hawking’s easy to read works for the lay person – I made the mistake of taking the former book on a holiday, only to find myself with a rough pad and a pencil trying to conjure up 3rd year college quantum physics derivations).
In a nutshell, I personally find the concept of a interventionist god unnecessary.
I shall contemplate taking this offline for an email discussion.
Best regards,
DM
hey buddy ,
i spent all my 30 years believeing in islam.
my family are people like you intelectual muslims and all the stuff you have said i have read and more.
however, after researching the murky backgrounds and seeing too many contridictions in the quran,
unfortunately i am not a believer.
i respect your desire to believe in some ideal of a higher benelovent force.
but its nothing more than a highly evolved superstition.
study the hidden history of islam, and be brutally honest about it, just as one should with the other religions.
mumbo-jumbo.
peace be upon you.
just dont think you are on the right path. that is your BELIEF.
not an actuality.
Brother apahal,
Each one of us lives a different life and our experiences, exposure to religious realities or its doctrines are definitely very far apart.
Like people travelling to perform their Hajj from different corners of the world , heading towards Makkah Al Mukarramah.
Each travels a different path, seeing different things, experiencing a different journey by different means and manners of transport.
The land traveller suffers a different kind of discomfort, sees different situations, meets different people along the way.
His or her journey is definitely unique and not alike to others travelling the same route and path towards the ultimate destination, the holy city of Makkah.
The seagoing traveller too experiences a totally different kind of journey.
Instead of smelling the dust and smells permeating from the lands which the land traveller experienced, the sea travessing pilgrim feels the breeze and the spray from the ocean waves landing on his or her face.
Each experience is unique and brings a different kind of recognition of the world we all live in.
The one who travels by air, experiences another totally unique experience while heading towards Makkah.
Seating in airconditioned comfort and served by stewards and stewardesses high up above the clouds in a jetplane, that pilgrim’s experience and journey towards the Qiblah of us Muslims is totally unique and different in their own way.
So, is your life and experience my friend.
What you came to ‘learn’ or experience in your 30 years or over of searching for the answers to questions in your heart is definitely something that is unique to you.
What you came to ‘acquire’ or experience may not be actually what I or the billions of other Muslims have come to learn about Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala!
I am in no position to ‘judge’ you or come to any conclusion about what you have gone through for it is definitely your own unique circumstances in trying to learn about Islam or even coming to realise who or what Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta’ala is!
You might or might not learn about what has been revealed to us over the passage of time since the Creation of all that is in the realm of this Earthly life and the ever expanding Universes.
You must also realise that there are different levels of ‘Ilm of Islam, some revealed, some hidden, some self realisations that might not be understood by others apart from the individual him or herself.
There have been billions and billions of humanbeings created by Allah Azza Wa Jalla and each and everyone of them have their own stories to tell.
Billions have disappeared from the face of this mortal Earth and unless their stories and their lives have been recorded by us here on Earth, their existence is but totally lost in the vast expanse of Time.
You have been seeking for the Truth in Islam as you say and you have come to the conclusion that it is all just hotch potch and mumbo jumbo.
You have absolutely all rights to believe whatever you want to because its your own individual private and personal life.
You do however remain subject to the Will of Allah SWT!
If He so chooses you to one day receive His Taufeek and Hidayah, no one..I mean no one including yourself can stop that soul within you to wake up one day and realise exactly who you are, what you have gone through and what you InsyaAllah will eventually come to know for yourself as to what this life is about!
In the meantime, the CHOICE is absolutely YOURS!
I can only wish you well and let you know that IF you do wish to correspond and ask my views of what I have come to learn in my life, I am ready to share with you , whatever little morsel of information I have come to realise in my own life.
May ArRahman bless us all, Amin.